


The Definition Of The Word Enough

by TheInevitableSense



Series: A List Of Definitions [1]
Category: Crucible Cast Party - SNL Sketch, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Age Difference, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, I did something horrible to you, I mean it gets dark, I'm sorry Cody, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Older Man/Younger Man, Sort of that's the best way I can describe it, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Unhealthy Relationships, this is really fucked up, tread cautiously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2016-12-07
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8784526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInevitableSense/pseuds/TheInevitableSense
Summary: If you forced Thomas to describe his boyfriend, he would use the following adjectives:Annoying.Obnoxious.Know-it-all.Asshole.Enough.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [exadorlion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exadorlion/gifts).



> Honestly please heed the tags. This is pretty fucked and I felt really bad writing this but, at the same time, loved it in a weird way.
> 
> Blame exadorlion.
> 
> (I adore you darling.)

If you forced Thomas to describe his boyfriend, he would use the following adjectives:

_Annoying._

_Obnoxious._

_Know-it-all._

_Asshole._

Except Thomas wouldn’t willingly use those words, because those were the words Thomas had once used to describe Alexander. But when he had talked about Alex, the insults had been kind, delivered fondly and with a little ruffle to Alexander’s hair. A gentle teasing that Alex had returned in kind, before kissing him and moving on.

To use those words to describe Cody, however, would mean to turn those affirmations of love into ones of actual disdain and Thomas just couldn’t do that. Words and their meanings had always been so important to Alexander. To change their meanings so drastically was the final betrayal in Thomas’ mind. Never mind that they’ve been separated for months now, Thomas can’t throw away the last thing he’s got.

_Annoying._

_Obnoxious._

_Know-it-all._

_Asshole._

Thomas keeps those words close to his chest, unable to leave his mouth even when the subject matter _is_ Alex. If he says them now, they will be taken negatively and Thomas can’t have that. So, if Thomas was asked to describe Alexander, he would use the following phrase:

 _The one that got away_.

To describe Cody on the other hand:

 _Enough_.

\------------

Thomas doesn’t know why he keeps coming back to this shithole apartment. Why he keeps responding when Cody texts him a ‘come over tonight ;),’ winking emoji and all. Why he clears his schedule for the infuriating boy- because Cody is still a boy, almost ten years younger than Thomas- and rushing over to the hole-in-the-wall studio apartment at the drop of a hat. More than once, when walking to or from Cody’s place in the dead of night, Thomas has compared himself to the junkies he sees in the complex. The way they all rush in and out of the same few apartments, looking for a high, chasing happiness their vice can never give them.

When he reaches Cody’s apartment, he does not knock, does not ring the doorbell. He has his own key, a testament to how often this damned business happens. Thomas lets himself in, shutting the door and locking it again.

“In the bathroom, babe. Be right there!” Cody calls. Thomas shrugs off his coat and glances around. It's the same as ever, a small countertop space, a tv and couch, a table and the foldable walls that Cody’s bed lies behind. Clothing is strewn everywhere, along with old food containers, scripts and playbills. There’s a few posters hanging up, mostly local shows that Cody was in or saw.

“I ordered pizza.” Cody pokes his head out of the bathroom, smiling at Thomas. He doesn't look like himself, heavy stage makeup giving him a fake scar across his cheek. “Should be here in a minute.” Cody disappears again, humming to himself quietly.

Thomas sighs, throws his coat on the table and wanders the small space. It’s barely bigger than his own living room back home but he’ll be damned if he _ever_ takes Cody back to his place. He doesn’t get very far before there’s a knock at the door. Thomas pays for the pizza, he knows Cody doesn’t have the funds to even feed himself half of the time. The pizza goes on the table beside Thomas’ coat.

“Sorry about that,” Cody says as he emerges from the bathroom. “Dress rehearsal. Couldn’t get all the makeup off fast enough.” Thomas grunts in response and flips open the pizza box. Cody’s wearing nothing but a tight tank-top and little shorts, but Thomas doesn’t care. To find Cody wearing anything at all is always a crapshoot when Thomas comes over. He’s sure the only reason Cody is wearing as much as he is the food.

But what's important to Thomas is Cody’s face. Thomas prefers Cody without makeup. With his face bare, Cody is gorgeous. Cody is everything Thomas wants, what he needs. Cody struts over to the table, plants a little kiss on Thomas’ cheek and heaps pizza slices onto a paper plate. “Glad you could come over,” he says kindly and soft. Like normal.

“Me too,” Thomas replies gruffly. Like normal.

Thomas suffers through dinner, sitting on the couch and barely listening to Cody talk about his day. He’s listening just enough to make the right noises and laugh at appropriate times, but his mind is elsewhere. He doesn’t want to be _here_ , like _this_. Part of him is screaming to get up, walk out of this place and never turn back.

But he doesn’t. He sits and waits for Cody to finish whatever rant he’s on. Watches Cody put down the paper plate full of pizza grease and scoot closer to Thomas on the couch.

“...asked last time?” Thomas catches just the trail end of the question.

“Hm?”

“I _asked_ if you thought about what I asked about last time,” Cody huffs. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Of course, darlin’,” Thomas lies.

“Well?” Cody plants his hands on his hips. “What do you say?”

“‘Bout what?” Thomas asks, groaning internally.

“Moving in together!” Cody exclaims, hitting Thomas on the shoulder playfully. Thomas hesitates, biting the inside of his lip. Cody’s shoulders droop. “Thomas, we’ve been together for _months_. I want to be with you all the time.”

“I told you I’d think about it,” Thomas says. Cody sighs.

“ _Thomas_ , please,” Cody whines.

“I need more time, babe.” Thomas swallows the flash of guilt he feels. He had been hoping Cody had forgotten about that idea of his. Cody grabs onto Thomas’ hand and squeezes.

“Please,” he begs. “I...I love you.”

Thomas can’t stop the sharp intake of breath he makes. His heart rate picks up, but it’s not from butterflies or joy. Cody’s words hang in the front of his mind and Thomas tries to squirm away from them.

“What?” He asks, part of him hoping he’d misheard.

“I love you, Thomas,” Cody says again and Thomas feels his skin crawl. Bile crawls up his throat and he feels like he’s going to be sick. But Cody has other plans. He presses his body against Thomas’ side, one hand trailing down Thomas’ chest. Thomas lets Cody climb into his lap, cradle his face in his hands and press their noses together.

 _This_ Thomas can get behind.

If he shuts his eyes at least, breathe in and pretend that it's Alex that's straddling his hips. It's Alex’s lips that press to his, chaste at first then deepening as Thomas falls into his fantasy. Alexander’s hands start traveling down Thomas’ neck, sliding down his chest and farther down.

Thomas pulls away and cracks open his eyes long enough to catch a glimpse of Alexander’s huge brown eyes before attaching his lips to Alexander’s chin, kissing along the goatee stubble. Alexander starts to mutter in Thomas’ ear, dirty promises that play out within Thomas’ mind. He even accepts the _I love you_ ’s, since they are coming from his beloved Alexander.

When Alexander pulls Thomas off the couch, Thomas keeps his eyes locked on areas that won't break his near-delusion: Alexander’s eyes, his chin, his hands wrapped around Thomas’ own hands. They fall into Alexander’s bed and Thomas lets go of every inhibition he still holds. He feels Alexander beneath him, hears him beg for Thomas. Thomas reconnects their lips as Alexander’s shorts come off and it's enough.

It's enough. It's enough. It's enough.

\--------------

It's not enough. Not in the morning, when Thomas sits on the side of Cody’s bed and watches him sleep. He feels sick, his stomach churning as he looks at the other man in the bed. In the early morning, Thomas can no longer maintain his fantasy. Cody’s hair is too short, too blond, his body too thin and trim to be Alexander.

But Thomas could ignore all that if it weren't for Cody’s shoulders and back bared to him, naked and smooth. Carmel skin that's unmarked, perfect, the only blemishes are the last few zits from Cody’s adolescent acne. Alexander's back was scarred and nicked, reminders of the man’s military service long before he ever met Thomas. Thomas remembers tracing his fingers along the scar tissue during the rare times Alexander was asleep and Thomas was awake.

No, he slept with Cody last night, not Alexander. He's been sleeping with Cody for far too long. The words _I love you_ ring in his hears and Thomas knows that this is over. He can’t keep doing this.

Thomas checks his phone: 5:35 in the morning. It's Saturday, he's got nowhere to be but he stands, picks up his clothes and gets himself ready to leave anyway. He's far too good and sneaking around Cody’s apartment without waking the young man up. It's routine. Thomas never stays long enough for Cody to awaken. Cody never expects him to.

Thomas wonders what happened to Cody to make the man think that this, what Thomas is doing, is okay. It's a common question, it crosses Thomas’ mind every early morning he spends sneaking around the apartment. He tries to ignore the thought that _Thomas_ himself did this to the young man.

Thomas knows he's taking advantage of Cody, but he can't stop.

Cody either doesn't know or doesn't care.

It's usually enough for both of them

Today, however, something is different. Maybe it's because Thomas has finally decided to stop this thing with Cody, or the _I love you_ haunts him too badly, but halfway out of Cody’s apartment building, a twist of guilt in his gut leads Thomas to turn right instead of left when he hits the street. He walks right past his car and to a convenience store. A few minutes later, Thomas finds himself climbing the stairs back to Cody’s place with a bag of cheap doughnuts and coffee in his hands.

Thomas lets himself back into Cody’s place, takes his coat off and throws the doughnuts onto the counter. He stares at the bag, just standing in the silence, listening to the radiator and trying to figure out what he's still doing here. Why today isn't just like all the other mornings after a night with Cody. He should just go, like normal. Leave the doughnuts and go on. He’s supposed to be leaving for good so why does he still linger?

The coffee is warm in his hand. The apartment is freezing.

Thomas makes up his mind to leave when, from behind him, a quiet voice says: “You're still here?”

The question is hesitant, so full of trepidation and shock it almost hurts Thomas to hear. He looks over his shoulder to find Cody standing by by the collapsible wall, in just his boxers, wide-eyed and bleary. His short hair is spiked up in all directions, and he's almost cute. He looks soft.

 _Vulnerable_.

“Yeah,” Thomas grunts out. He does know what he's expecting Cody to do; kick him out, offer breakfast or round two, maybe. Thomas braces himself for whatever’s coming but he's not prepared for what the world has in store for him.

Cody _beams_. The largest grin Thomas has ever seen the boy make splits Cody’s face ear to ear. The sleep disappears from his eyes as they light up in joy.

Thomas starts, blinks the image of that same grin on Alexander’s face away as best he can. It's too much. He turns away, putting the coffee down and acting like he's pulling the doughnuts from the bag when suddenly Cody is behind him.

Cody wraps his arms around Thomas’ waist and presses his face into his back. The embrace is tighter than Thomas ever imagined Cody had the strength for. “You _stayed_ ,” Cody mutters, relief and joy in his voice. “You finally stayed.”

Thomas’ hands still, he stiffens. Cody just nuzzles further into Thomas and Thomas can almost _feel_ Cody’s grin through his shirt. When his brain starts working again, Thomas quickly pushes Cody’s arms off of him and steps away. Cody is still grinning like an idiot at him. Thomas swallows thickly. He backpedals to the table and reaches behind him for his coat.

“Yes, well. I’m going now,” he says, struggling with the fuchsia pea coat. He can’t find the sleeve despite how many times he turns it around in his hands.

“Really? Just going to leave me alone after you brought breakfast?” Cody motions to the forgotten doughnuts and coffee, grin slipping ever so slightly. Thomas nods quickly, trying to keep his eyes glued to the coat, but failing as Cody steps forward. “Is everything okay, Thomas?’

 _No,_ he thinks, _Where the fuck is the arm in this thing_? He fumbles the jacket, and gives up trying to get it on right. He throws the coat over his shoulders and reaches for the door. Before he can close his hand over the doorknob, Cody grabs his wrist.

“Hey, come on now,” he says. “Stay for a while.” Cody’s voice has dropped into that octave that reminds Thomas so vividly of Alexander and he freezes.

“I gotta go,” Thomas mutters, but he doesn’t move, _can’t_ move. Cody’s grin returns and he steps even closer.

“And do what babe?” He asks. “It’s Saturday morning. You can stay for breakfast, can’t you?”

 _“You can stay, can’t you?_ ” Alexander asks in Thomas’ head. He shakes his head to clear it. Cody’s grip on his wrist tightens.

“ _Stay_ ,” Cody begs. Thomas feels Cody press a hand to his cheek and turn his face so they’re staring eye-to-eye. “Stay.”

Thomas gulps. Cody’s expression is pleading, desperate, so _open_ and Thomas can’t believe the kid just wants to have breakfast with him. “No,” Thomas says, firmly. Cody’s expression darkens, the smile falling.

“And why not?” He asks. “Why don’t you ever stay?”

“Because I have things to do,” Thomas insists. He tries to twist away from Cody but the boy pins him to the table.

“I just want you to stay for breakfast, is that too much to ask of my _boyfriend_?” There’s a venom in Cody’s voice that Thomas has never heard before.

“Another time,” Thomas lies.

“No. Today,” Cody insists. “I want you to stay _today_.”

“I said _another time!_ ” Thomas finally pushes Cody off of him and makes for the door. _This has gone on too long_ , he thinks to himself. _I can’t come back here_.

“There’s never going to be ‘another time,’ is there?” Cody yells. Thomas stops, shocked that Cody would raise his voice at him. “You’re _never_ going to stay. You’re never going to _be_ with me, are you? I’m just something you fuck, aren’t I?”

“Cody-” Thomas starts, though he doesn’t know what to say. _No, I care about you? Yes, you’re my fucktoy? I use you to fantasize about my ex?_

“When’s the last time you took me on a date, huh?” Cody challenges. “It’s been _months_. You’ve never been to one of my shows, never met my friends. You just show up, sleep with me, and disappear in the morning. Sometimes, I… I don’t think you’re real. Like I’m living some cheap horror film and the twist at the end is that you never existed and I’m just _fucking crazy_.”

Cody turns the same shade of red Alexander did when he kicked Thomas out of their apartment. _God_ , even when he’s getting screamed at, Thomas can’t stop thinking about Alexander.

“Tell me, Thomas. Just _tell me_ why you won’t stay. I...I’ll let you leave I just want to know _why!_ I have to know, please.” Cody’s breathing is harsh, almost like he’s on the edge of tears. “Is there another man? Do you have a boyfriend you have to get home too? Because I can work with that, I can!”

Thomas blinks, taken aback. “I-”

“I’ll share you if that’s what it takes to have you!” Cody pleads.

“You don’t have to _share_ me,” Thomas says, though it feels like a lie. Alexander might not _have_ Thomas, but he’s still got Thomas trapped in what they were.

“Then what is it, Thomas? Goddamnit, am I just not good enough for you?” Cody asks. “I can change, whatever it is, I can change I promise. I’m already a good fuck, right? So what can I do to get you to stay? Goddamnit, just tell me. I’ll do anything! I love you, Thomas, I _fucking_ love you. Please.”

“You can’t do anything,” Thomas says. “There’s nothing you can do to be…” he trails. This isn’t fair. Cody looks so vulnerable, so scared. It seems like if Thomas walked out of the apartment right now, Cody would just fall to pieces.

“To be what?” Cody asks, “To be _what_?” Cody grabs onto the front of Thomas’ shirt, his eyes large, pleading, desperate for an answer.

“To be _Alexander_ ,” Thomas spits before he realizes what he’s saying. Cody’s breath hitches.

“Who’s Alexander?” Cody asks. When Thomas doesn’t answer, he hits Thomas on the chest. “ _Who is he_?”

“He’s not you, he’ll never be you and I’m a fucking fool for thinking otherwise. Now let me go you little shit!” Thomas shoves Cody away, much harsher than he should have. The younger boy stumbles back, almost tripping over his own feet. Thomas feels a flash of guilt, but he buries it. _This is for the best_ , he thinks. _This really needs to stop_. _It’s time to end it_. He breaths deep, looks at Cody dead in the eye and says:

“I only fucked you because you look like him.”

Thomas watches his words land, sees the impact on Cody’s face and watches Cody crumble. The boy falls to his knees, looking up at Thomas like he was witnessing the end of the world. He looks like- who else- Alexander, and Thomas looks away. Cody mutters something Thomas doesn’t catch.

“What?” Thomas asks. Cody clears his throat.

“I love you,” he says. “I _need_ you.” Thomas’ heart stops. Cody is _shattered_ on the floor, and Thomas knows it’s his fault.

“I don’t,” he replies. “You aren’t good enough.” With that, Thomas throws open the apartment door and escapes out into the early morning. He can hear Cody call after him but Thomas pointedly ignores it until he’s out of earshot. The guilt will come later, but for now, Thomas is only relieved.

\-----------

Thomas doesn’t see Cody for a month. Doesn’t get any texts or calls, which surprises him, considering how he had left the man. He goes about his life, passing each day alone and almost manages to forget about Cody and his shithole apartment and the ‘I love you.’

 _Almost_ being the operational word.

Without Cody, Thomas has nothing of Alexander left. When he thinks of Alexander, his mind almost inevitably travels to the second option, the knock-off he had slept with for months to fill some sort of void.

He misses Alexander, so by extension, he misses Cody.

The longer Thomas is alone, the harder it is not to go running back to that boy. He has no idea if Cody would even let him back in, he suspects Cody would, but Thomas has no way of knowing. And Thomas isn’t going to find out, can’t even let himself try.

He walks by a theatre and sees Cody’s name up on the marque. He walks faster, afraid Cody will stick his head out and spot him.

A few days later he walks by again and Cody’s name is being replaced by another name. He shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t say anything but Thomas looks up at the man changing the sign.

“Why are you changing the name? Did something happen?” Thomas asks. The man looks down, shrugs.

“Dunno. Boss said something about the Shuck kid having a nervous breakdown.”

Thomas leaves before he can ask any more questions. It doesn’t matter, _shouldn’t_ matter. Not to Thomas. Cody’s not his problem anymore.

Why does he feel like shit, then?

\----------

Thomas is nursing wine over lunch when he gets a text. When Thomas sees it’s from Cody, his heart stops

‘Hey, come over tonight. I need to see you.’

Thomas debates with himself all day. He shouldn’t go, but he _wants_ to. He promised himself he’d never go back, but he’s lonely. This could be the last time, he justifies. One last go around. Leave early, one last good memory before he locks Cody out of his life forever. Find out if the kid’s okay, at least. Thomas probably owes that to both Cody and himself.

Which is how Thomas finds himself knocking on Cody’s door- he’d thrown away his key weeks ago- and swearing to himself that this is it. No more. Never again will he-

The door swings open, but it’s not Cody standing there.

It’s Alexander.

Thomas blinks, his heart roaring in his ears as he tries to process what he’s seeing. Alex stands before him, in a Columbia tee and his long brown hair in a ponytail. He smiles, a lopsided grin Thomas knows all too well.

“Come in, Thomas,” Alexander says, the familiar cadence that Thomas has so desperately missed sounding like music to his ears. He motions Thomas inside, and Thomas steps across the threshold, not believing what he’s seeing. Alexander chuckles and shuts the door. “Good to see you, you tall bastard.”

Thomas can’t speak. It feels like his throat has closed in on itself. Alexander shouldn’t be here, _can’t_ be here. It doesn’t make any sense. Alexander must see something on his face because his smile drops.

“Are you okay?” Alexander asks, but his voice is different. “Did...did I get the wrong Alexander?”

 _The wrong Alexander_? Thomas wonders. He peers closer at the man in front of him and suddenly it all falls into place. The age lines on Alexander’s face is makeup. His hair is a wig, there’s a small sprig of blonde poking out towards the right ear.

It’s not Alexander; it’s Cody _dressed up_ as Alexander.

“...how did you…?” Thomas trails, motioning at the costumed man. Cody smiles.

“Found your Facebook. Looked for Alexanders. Found him and did a character study. Stalked him online for a bit. He has quite a few videos up of him and his friends.” Cody looks down at the ground. “I...wanted to grow my hair out for you but I couldn’t wait that long.”

Thomas finds himself speechless. His mind is in freefall, trying to comprehend what Cody has done, what Cody is _willing to do_ for him. Some primal part of him takes over while the rest of him is spiraling and Thomas soon finds himself kissing Cody, drawing their bodies close together and pushing his tongue into the other man’s mouth.

Cody pulls back, eyes scanning Thomas’ face. Then, just like that, Cody disappears. Alexander grins. “Missed me, did you?” He asks. Thomas nods, cradling Alex’s face in his hands. Then they’re kissing again, Thomas holding Alexander tight to his chest. He runs his hands up and down Alex’s body, feeling the little pudge of his stomach under his fingers.

They break for air. Thomas tries to reconnect but his partner steps back. “ _Alexander,_ ” Thomas pleads, following Alexander as he steps backwards through the apartment. Alex smiles, wickedly, _knowing_.

“Yes, Thomas?” Alexander says. “What do you want?”

“ _You_.”

\-----------

Afterward, Thomas holds Alexander in his arms as they both drift in that hazy gray before sleep. He presses his face into Alex’s shoulder, breathing in the scent there. It’s perfect, this is perfect, _he’s_ perfect.

Thomas leans back, opens his eyes to watch his boyfriend fall asleep. He smiles to himself, picks up his free hand and starts tracing the scars on his back with a lazy hand. Alexander’s body jerks, but lets out a breathy laugh, like the motion tickles him. Thomas chuckles, following a particularly large one down Alexander’s shoulder.

“Like them?” Alexander asks. “It took me awhile to get them right.”

Thomas freezes.

 _It took me awhile to get them right_.

Cody doesn’t have scars on his back.

 _It took me awhile to get them right_.

He runs his finger across the line he’s tracing and it doesn’t smear. It doesn’t smudge like makeup should.

 _It took me awhile to get them right_.

Thomas jerks his hand away. The sick feeling is back as Cody wiggles around so that they’re face-to-face. Thomas stares at him with wide, unbelieving eyes. Cody just _smiles_.

“So, am I enough now?”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, how did no one think up the 'Cody dresses _as_ Alexander for Thomas' thing before? Unless they did and I missed it.
> 
> Also, I'm dead sure that Cody's pretty ooc. I've only seen CCP once but oh well. *shrugs*


End file.
